The Lull.

I hated my father, I hated Agrippa.. I hated the men I knew in Port kar but none of those hatful feelings can ever compare to how much I despise Lucien. I keep flashing back to the cafe, when Agrippa and I were still happy, before the rape, before he admitted how he felt.. before either of us cried.

It had all been fun and games then.

Seduce the Ubar, become the Ubara.. remove Lucien from power.

It should have been a cake walk, I knew what to do and when and yet.. time and time again I disobeyed my orders, I followed my heart and not my head. I was weak and I failed. I fell in love with his lies. I foolishly trusted him.

I lost Agrippa but never really, I always knew deep down he would come for me. Even today I know he is there waiting should I need him. Should I wish to beg him to have me again. But I won't, not now, I have too much hate.

I have too much failure.

Lucien is still the Ubar of Cos, though he has made an utter fool of himself and thus a fool of me. I bear scars from him, a word forever dug into my skin. I wanted to prove my loyalty to him, to Cos. How was I ever to know that he put himself abut the Homestone still? I hate him, I wished him dead when Sorp came to tell me what had happened. One moment I was planning the ceramony and the next.. I was smashing everything I could reach on the floor. There was nothing left for me to do. I wrote a short note, left my mark for Alyssa, took my infant daughter and fled in the night. I do not wish to ever set foot on Cos again.

I know that Lucien, when he pulls his dick out of that cesspool long enough to notice, will be angry that I took the child but, she is mine, I paid for her in ways he never could have or would have been willing. I am not a doting soft woman, I will not make a wonderful mother. But I will protect the child far better then he could. Idalia will grow up to be a phenomanol women and Lucien will never know her.

She looks like me, and only me. There is nothing of the Ubar in her features.. and nothing of Agrippa either. The world will think she is Luciens and that is fine, he has a title.. for now. I have enough money to see us though a year or more and I know, in my heart.. as black as it may be, that there will always be Agrippa should I need for anything.

For now.. I don't need anything but Idalia, my pretty crown and a case of wine. I have not yet decided where, if anywhere, we will make port.

But I do know this.. I will never feel again.

For your own good

Someone please come and make it stop for I no longer have any control. I spent the night at his estate at the urging of the physicians and the simple insistence of Lucien, the Ubar. I found him in the main reception room with a small group of citizens, mostly women, chatting away. I used to be so jealous of the women that were forever surrounding him but I have come to realize how unlike those women I am and how much the Ubar appreciates that, maybe even needs that. I do not gossip or concern myself in mundane affairs, I keep to myself save for a select group of souls I might dare to call friend.

I had expected to be put into one of the first floor guest rooms, I expected to be treated as if I were a guest. I was, instead, brought to the grand and opulent rooms I had once occupied as Ubara. Those rooms were a gilded cage and I, shamefully, missed them. My tiara was still there, sitting on plush velvet square. The greater pieces I had once worn at important events and affairs of state, were locked away a floor above me.. but the tiara was left out for me to see. To remind me of all I have lost.

The next evening, still in those room, the physicians in and out all day, Lucien came to me. He looked tired and in need of something soft and undemanding. I was happy to sit with him among the fluffy furs and pillows of the balcony under the setting sun. I was grinning when he pulled my bare legs into his lap and ran his hand along them. He said we had to talk and I stiffened a little.

I... did not want to talk.

He handed me a tightly curled paper but I refused it.. I recognized it at once, our contract. I did not need to look at it, I knew it by heart.

"I want a new contract Xianthe. I want you to be my companion again." He quietly demanded.

".. No." I replied.

It was not so simple and he does not understand. I cannot make him see it either. I will not be the catalyst of his heartache. There are so many people in his life who dislike me. Mostly because they do not understand what I did for Cos, what I gave for Cos and.. what I lost for Cos. I wear scars on my body for Cos and.. for my Ubar. Tonight.. I would collect a new scar, on my heart.

And too, I would leave a scar on his.

I do not think another woman has ever so foolishly refused the Ubar. He is handsome and charming..if he were a fisherman there would be women falling at his feet to clean his nastiest fish. But I refused him.. because I love him.

There is no where I want to be more then here in his arms, in his bed, in his life. There is nothing I want more then to know I can climb a set of stairs to find him, or simply knock on the door to his study. I would be sickeningly happy to be that hostess he always wanted me to be, the role I refused to adopt.

But I refused him and I saw the break, the disconnect in his eyes. He shut down on me, severed the ties that bind his heart to mine. I.. died a little. I begged him to tell me more.. tell me why it would be worth the hassle to companion me. Tell me, Lucien.. why would you do that? Why me? Did he not see the danger such a choice created?

He had no answer for me, I had already.. lost him. I begged him to stay with me that night, to hold me close and let me sleep in the circle of him just one more time.

I knew tomorrow.. I'd have to leave and never look back.

Tomorrow.. I had to lose everything.

Because I loved him.

A selfless refusal

Last night I was brought to see Lucien at the Inn. The place where he first cut me. Walking into that place made a slice of pain dance over my back and I was immediately on edge. When Lucien saw me though, his whole body relaxed, softened and he seemed to come alive. I responded to this.. I responded well.

There was some useless chatter with his cousin who dislikes me for no real reason and then a man whose name is not worthy of my ink. I was ignored, scowled at and disrespected. I felt the tension return to his body beside me and a low sound left his throat. I put my hand on his and looked up at him imploringly. I soothed his feathers.

When the two had left, Lucien and I spoke briefly and walked, slowly towards my estate.. my new estate. I tucked my hand into the crook of his arm and was so pleased to see how relaxed he was becoming when I was with him. it amused me to have that affect on a man at all. I mean.. me? Calming?

It was going to be a night of surprising myself though, both of us.

"It is not worth it Lucien, I knew it would be this way. I can handle it and I know.." I smiled at him as we walked. "I know that if I ever find myself overwhelmed.. I can count on you."

Lucien sighed. It touched me deeply that how I was treated and how comfortable I felt meant this much to him. But I hated how often he felt the need to defend me. I couldn't stand how many people, his people, his family even.. who put thier own desires ahead of his happiness.

"They are just afraid you will take me as your companion again." I said this easily because, I thought, we both had decided this was not a possibility.

"What if I did?" he spoke to me, his voice was deeper and a little bit.. dangerous.

There was silence between us and he stopped me when I did not answer. Under the light of a street lamp he took my face in his hands and kissed me softly, too sweetly. He knew how to make me so.. weak. Nothing would have been better then to be his again, to be able to freely go to him in the middle of the night. To raise our child together instead of so many miles apart and perhaps.. have more children. It made my heart flutter to think of how much I would have loved all the things I never wanted.. until now.

When his lips left mine I sighed, shakily. I knew what I had to do, there was simply... no choice for me "I would refuse you. I will not be your companion again. It is for your own good Lucien. I love you too much to be party to something that would enrage so many people."

I had closed my eyes so I did not have to see the look in his eyes as I spoke. As I rejected his hypothetical question. I felt his arms around me and then we walked again, my hand once tucked into his. Lucien had a few more things to say though.. That I was a free woman and could refuse him if I wished but that.. also he was, for all intents and purposes.. my closest male relative. There was no else in the world to speak for me and he.. was the Ubar of Cos. If Lucien choose to take me as his companion or as his ..chef I would have very little to say about it.

Sometimes I forget that underneath all of his calm honor and propriety.. he is still a Gorean man, A warrior who will have what he wants when he wants it. And I.. a Gorean woman will smile charmingly and suck it up.

I protested his ideas, I assured him that I was right, I knew best, this was for his own good. Eventually we reached my home and he.. tired of listening to me I assume.. kissed me and carried me to the bedroom. When I fell asleep that night.. it was with his hand on my belly and his reassuring whispers in my ear.

"I know best Xia."

But when I woke he was gone and I realized this.. was exactly what I had said was best. Even though.. it was breaking my heart.

Pale Moonlight

What do you want
from me.
My blood? Will it sooth your pain?
My tears? Do they cool your fire?
My pretty lies? Do you believe them?
Do you believe me?
Believe
in
me?

Let me take your hand, my love
Let me dance in your heart.
Let me fill up your soul
..until I bubble from your lips.

What can I give
to you?
What will make it all go away?
What will calm your fears?
What will erase the hurt?
Can I even do it?
Am
I
Worthy?

Let me be your moonlight
Let me be your comfort
Let me be the one who has all the keys
To doors that only I can see.

All I have is me and my
apologies.
All I have is me and the
life inside of me.
All I have is all I can give
to you.

So shut up now, baby
....dance with me.

~mine

Burning

I read Lucien's journal. Don't act so shocked, it is the least of the things I have done to him. I had a good reason, I needed to know what was going on his head, I needed to understand Lucien's inner turmoil so I could better calm it. I thought I was doing the right thing, I thought it would give me some insight into the man I have given myself too.

And I have given myself to him, I am his more then a slave could be his. You might not understand, and that's all right, I do not need your understanding. I am marked, like a slave, I wear a collar on my heart, like a slave, I obey him without questions, like a slave. This should please all the bitches who kept gossiping about what a slut I acted like. But.. more then all of that.. I am also free, I cannot bask and wallow at his feet... he demands more strength from me. He demands everything of me that I have and everything I can be. I will give it all to him. My body beneath his and my presence at his side, on my feet. I will speak my mind, all of it and loudly.. until the pressure of his hand on my arms directs me to defer to him, right or wrong.

That said.. I wish I had not read those pages. I wish I had not read that fucking whores name over and over again. I wish I had no idea he dared to compare me to her. That dirty little Karian coward. I never met her, I know her only by what Lucien told me, what Agrippa mentioned in passing. I would be pleased see her dead and beneath my feet.

And there was more, other names, meaningless things.. a notation about Lorelei that ensured she would never be near me as a physician again. Slaves I cared nothing about, dead women I cared even less for. My hands were trembling as I read those pages, tears streamed down my face. It was the first time that I felt the presence of the child inside of me and my hand fell to cover my belly. Fucking Lucien, Fucking stupid women. Why should I be the one to bear it all for them? Why should I be the object he cuts into it? Why am I bleeding for women who are not worth the salt in my tears?!

I tore the pages from his book and threw them angrily, thoughtlessly into the fire so no one could ever read that again, so I could burn it all away, so it could not be real. I dropped the book on the ground, the missing pages burning slowly and I fled.

I wanted to run away but.. I was no longer allowed that freedom. I would not be allowed to leave, not even for a walk in the forest. My only options were the balconies around the lodge. When Lucien woke in the morning I would not be her there.. the journal would be forgotten by the fire and me?

I'd be on the balcony, collapsed in a pile of satin pillows.. sound asleep with tear tracks on my cheeks.

Tucked away..

It has been only a few months now that I have been back in the folds of Lucien's cloak. I would tell you where we are but..I forget. In the haze of the life we are building together I cannot recall times and dates and places. Only this.. feeling inside of me. With Lucien I feel like a student, learning all my lessons all over again, learning them better, deeper.. and harder.

I will not be allowed to forget my transgression.

Most days he leaves me early to hunt and do whatever it is men do in the woods with thier weapons and an excess of beer. Some days he stays with me, lounging in bed for hours, his hand gentle on my belly, reassuring me that things will be all right, that I do not have to worry because Lucien will handle everything.

I am kept, cherished, trapped. I wouldn't have it any other way.

My favorite days though... are the days he makes a kill. The days he comes back to me in the night with wild shiny eyes and blood on his tunic. When he strides into the room with such heavy footfalls that I grow wary and tense. My fear only feeds his desire to remind me.. I deserve this. I long for it. His fist in my hair, my back pressed to the wall, his breath hot against the shell of my ear as he hisses terrible, wonderful things to me. His hand pressed between my thighs, cupping my cunt like he owns it, like he owns me. And he does own me, doesn't he? To think about makes the scar on my back burn and illicit moans escape my lips. His fingers grow wet between my thighs and his mouth finds my throat, teeth biting, hurting.. licking, sucking.

He hurts me in the most delicious ways. He makes me cry and then kisses away my salty tears because they belong to him. He tastes my blood because it too, is his. When he bruises me he rubs salve there later. He takes care of me.. brutally.

It scares me a little I must admit, knowing the extent of his jealousy. It thrills me, it makes my hips rock harder on his hand to think about it.. but it is frightening too. Lucien is a ... possessive man. Not at all like Agrippa was. Where Agrippa often enjoyed knowing I was with another man.. Lucien would be enraged to know another man touched what he considers his own.

He is rough with my body, naked and hot and sweaty under his, his hands are everywhere all at once and my sense can hardly keep up. I grow confused by his need to have me, all of me, all at once, in his hands and I whimper. He silences me with his mouth on my own, his teeth cutting into my lip. Another mark. When he enters me it is harsh and ....divine. He uses me like he must, like an animal.. until he is spent and his breath is heavy. He often leaves me begging for more.

He smiles though, brushes the hair form my eyes and begins to touch me again.. gently now. Fingers brushing my cheek, my arm.. the subtle curve of my belly where his child grows. He smiles and I smile back.

"I love you, Lucien."

Atonement

Guards. How many times had I argued with a man over guards? With my father, with Agrippa, with Lucien. Two, ten, forty. I despised being treated like a child, being considered helpless and weak.

Trust. How many times had I betrayed someone’s trust? Sorp, Agrippa, Lucien, Lola.. I defied trust. If you looked up suspicious in the library they would give you my address.

Trust and guards. I was working at a fevered pace to gain the Ubars trust. Yes, gain.. for I realize now I had not had it before. Everything had been tainted before. I was always split in two, my heart divided, two halves of a whole. I had been poisoned, disgraced. He assigned me two guards and I thanked him. I betrayed my Ubar and my country. I imagine I am no longer in the cradle of safety I once was. There are those who would see me die for my crimes.

Lucien is one of them.

I returned last night from an absurdly short trip to the slave pens of Temos. I was allowed to go there and browse, I even choose one.. a man with black hair, thick and shaggy, young.. strong. He had blue eyes that glittered angrily at me. He excited me.

But.

When I neared the bars to speak to him I was stopped by a strong hand on my elbow. I looked over my shoulder at Dante, the one in charge of me and he simply shook his head. Our eyes locked for a moment in a silent battle of wills.

"Why not?!" I finally demanded. "He said I could!"

"Do not be stupid, woman." he replied stiffly.

I deflated a little and glanced back at the now chuckling slave. I was foolish to think he had meant it. Lucien owed me nothing, seeing that I was happy was probably not high on his agenda. Seeing that I suffered under his thumb.. was. It is a suffering I welcome. A suffering I need.

Once home again I poured myself a glass of his wine. I had noticed how well stocked the wine caller was.. with things he drank. Lucien intended to spend a great deal of time here.. and expected me to drive him to drink, often. I stripped off my gloves, my boots and then my veils, leaving bits of me behind as I trialed though the estate he had given me. A very pretty prison I had willingly locked myself inside of. At least... I had Sorp to keep me company. I was the kind of girl that should never be left unattended for very long.

The house is amazing, I am lucky to have it and there is a new account in my name, filled with more gold then I could spend in a lifetime. I once more own the land of my father though the house.. is a pile of rubble and ash. I tried to visit but agian, Dante would not allow it. it would be some time before I was allowed to visit the ruins of my Father estate. I supposed the Ubars men were combing it first for evidence of.. things I had done.

All my things had been brought here, I was well cared for, I had everything I could need, right? So I drank his wine, I broke a law I did not agree with and drank wine meant only for men. Perhaps I heard Lucien’s boots on the terrace, perhaps I did it on purpose. Perhaps I wanted to get caught.

Lucien is.. I underestimated him. Some years ago before I left for Port Kar, I had thought him weak and led around by women. When I returned I still thought that and I used it to my advantage. I thought I was trapping him, using him. The night that Lucien told me he intended to companion me, my goal all along, I realized that I had not been trapping him at all.. He was smarter then I gave him credit for. I was not the spider after all.. I was the fly. I was .. ensnared. Still I kept a wall between us, built on pretty lies and whispered words. Again Lucien broke me down, told me he loved me when he knew and I knew that my heart was elsewhere. Had he known all along how mixed up I was? I'd like to think so, it is very romantic the idea that he loved me enough to want to try and pull me away from Agrippa and pin me to him. When Agrippa returned to Cos everything changed between Lucien and I. he was harsher with me, the nights he came to my room grew more painful for me, left me in tears that he refused to sooth.

It was one of those nights that I woke up, still crying and bereft, to three men chaining my hands behind my back and locking a dirty used collar about my throat. Like an unwanted gift I was returned to the giver. To Agrippa. Agrippa freed me immediately and we ignored it had even happened.. the house was burned, I believe to make it look like I had died and we left Cos..

it was the best thing Lucien ever did for me.

I needed to see Agrippa again, be with him again to realize where my heart belonged, to feel fully whose teeth belonged on my throat. I realize I will always be a pawn to someone; it is simply the way of the world. I am the kind of women men need to have, possess.. and use. But.. perhaps I could choose who used me? Perhaps I could choose who would keep me safest at the end of the day? My mind kept going back to the same thing. Lucien, kissing away my tears after he hurt me. And then Agrippa.. walking away and leaving me to cry alone after he did the same.

How do I define love? Devotion?

I need to feel safe. I need to know I am protected. I need someone to hold my hand in the face of my adversaries. It was easy to figure out where I belonged.

Every moment I am with Lucien I am silently asking him to punish me, make me sorry.. I want to cry for him until all the venom I put in him is gone. he whipped me last night, cut me, raged at me. The things he did to me last night left me broken and yet.. whole. I will not have the wall repaired where he struck it with the lance. I will have it covered by a special painting so then when ever I forget how dangerous my Ubar is.. I can tilt the artwork and see the evidence.. that lance was only seconds away from piercing my heart. I nearly died last night.. I do not know why he did not do it, would my death free him from the poison of me?

Blood and tears were dripping on the floor in pretty little swirl patterns, mingling with the spilled wine when Lucien noticed what I was denying...

The subtle curve of my belly.

....And then I woke up

Change. It comes to me in great big bursts of confusion and heartache. It steals away my breath and laughs like church bells as it skims my emotions and takes what it pleases.

I spent less then a full week in Port Cos. Most of that time was spent watching the ships pull into the harbor and, I admit, hoping to see the flags of Cos.

The little ship Agrippa made me is a lie. Made to lull me into complacency, sooth my jittered fears and make me once more his trusting, obedient puppet.

It came .. so .. close.

Agrippa had missed it though, missed the lessons I had learned from the Ubar of Cos, from my title and position, from jealousy and hate.. had been born Love. I had mocked that, of course, this love the Ubar tried to give me because I believed in the love Agrippa gave me. It burned, white hot and was punctuated with bruises, bites and blood. When Agrippa loved me.. it hurt me. He demanded with no regard to what was actually best for me. I was such a fool. His love.. was not love. He allowed me to be hurt by others and I think now that the remorse he felt was all a sham. Once more a pretty trick to capture my affections.

The more I was with Agrippa in Port Cos the more I thought about my companionship to the Ubar and my home stone. The more I realized abut Agrippa the more I realized was wrong with he and I. The more I learned abut Port Cos and.. what went on there, the more I realized I was better then that. I deserved more then that.

Sorp was not unhappy, she found a friend in Lola whom I no longer hated. She loved Agrippa even when he hurt her too. How could I fault anyone for that? I have changed.

or perhaps I have simply stripped away the lies. Is this who I am? Calm, controlled and .. unlit. Is this the real me? Because I want to be the real me. I want someone to look at me, as I am, and love me. No more tricks and lies or games.

As I write this I am sitting on the top floor of the White Larl. I am naked, my hair pulled to one side so that it does not stick to the bloody wound on my back.. where Lucien cut me over.. and over again. Twelve cuts that will forever remind me that I am .. Loved.

Is that strange? That I would flee the bloody knife of one man onto to beg another to cut me worse? You could call it strange; you could say I have issues. I am probably mentally disturbed. But there is a subtle but vast difference between the pains each man inflicts upon me.

Agrippa hurt me to see me hurt, to please him and only him.

Lucien hurts me to teach me and afterwards he kisses away my tears. If you were me, what would you choose?

When I look over my shoulder I can see him sleeping, peaceful and quiet. The knife with my blood on it lays on the bedside table and the same crimson gore stains the white furs. The apology for my betrayal has been bled from my body. My bruises have been soothed and my heart sewn with clumsy stitches. I watch him breath, so trusting.. when I do not deserve his trust.

I told him everything last night. Except the contract. I do not know what to do with that yet, my contract to Agrippa. I never read it all so I do not understand it all. It is not likely to matter either. I know Agrippa will not come for me and.. I do not want him too.

I left Agrippa with a bigger mystery then me. I took Lola with me.

She was my payment for passage back to Cos upon a small merchant ship. I wouldn't subject Sorp to being caged for the journey and Lola annoyed me anyway. The last I saw her she was chained naked to the mast without a ribbon in sight. With any luck shes been sold by now to a farmer and will live out her days picking fucking radishes. She will be forgotten, as will, I .. or perhaps already.

I have my own forgetting to do. The lesson I learned over the past several years has been harsh and cruel and nearly killed me but I .. will not be beaten. I will never forget what I have learned, nor will I forget where my home is, where my heart is.

It is with my Ubar. Lucien Iteratus.

A willing victim, part 2

I do not know what I expected from the letter I found last night. Did I really expect a love letter? Flowery words of undying devotion and worship? No.. maybe. When I first began to read it I barely got past the first paragraph before I threw it on the ground and stormed to the deck. I meant to leave, I meant to scream. But Sorp chashed me there, forcing the letter back into my hands.

"Finish it!" She insisted. And I did. I read the letter all the way though and then read it again.

"I have missed you Xianthe and have planned for your return to me all along. The Plenitude, a sleek and beautiful thing to me, has occupied me at times when I missed you and I hope that you see that in her making. I will rendezvous with you when you make the mainland and look forward to hearing of your time at court. Sincerely, the one who thinks of you as his, Agrippa."

It was the above line that I would recall the most. It was burned, brightly, into my mind. There was so many memories between Agrippa and I. There were several pivitol moments.. His hand on my belly at the beach. The night he forced me to sign the Contract and this letter. That last paragraph.

Later, while I lay on that small cozy couch, I ran my hands over the carvings, my fingers pressed into the small grooves and my eyes closed. I wanted to think of him that way, sweating, intense, concentrated on creating something.. just for me.

I wished I had thrown my arms around him at the estate when I saw him. I wished a hundred times that I had been kinder to him when he came to the Ubars dinner. That I had told him I loved him when he took me over the table.. in the palace. I wished I had loved him.. better.

But don't worry, I'll get over that!

The Plenitude

On the plenitude Xianthe was bound to be disappointed by the love letter he Agrippa had left. He wrote steadily in conservative hand.

"My dear Xianthe, if you are reading this it means you have made it safely to the Plentitude. The yacht was built specifically for this trip by men who I employed some time ago after your disappearance from Port Kar. It seemed the wisest thing to do considering at the time I thought I might end up making many trips across the channel. On board I have put six lean thralls which you must keep well fed and well attended during the journey. They will be the oars men and they will be lead by one Tiller man until you can reach the mainland. They are chained at the oar benches along side this cabin and you should take care that they remain that way. See to their water well, and be kind for they were not always slave at the oars."


Xianthe was incensed, of course, instructions?! Thralls? She was to be alone on this boat? She screamed! She balled up that letter and threw it on the ground before she stormed to the deck with every intention of getting off the wretched ship and running back to: the Ubar! "Agrippa!" she shrieked as she reached the top, her hand clenched in the folds of her skirt. Sorp had seen there was more and brought the letter back to her, smoothing it over her thigh and insisting she keep reading.

"The tiller man is a man who I have known and known of and you must be kind to him as well though he is not slave. He has lived ten each of our lifetimes and can confess to more riches then any man should but never will. I chose these men specifically for this voyage as I can not be on the Plentitude with you. The Plenitude is a race built sloop, equipped with masts and as many as four sail when sailing wing to wing. Her hull has been polished and coated in the glazed shell of abalone and her enamel sanded by hand to the finest degree.”

Xianthe was swearing as she read, tears on her cheeks! As she read she sank slowly to sit on the deck in a mountain of my own dress and petticoats. Ridiculously upset for the most selfish reasons. The letter went on.

"Plenitude means the ample amount or quantity of abundance; it is the condition of being full and complete. When I named her on that cool evening looking out at the sunset I gave her the name which gives her the finest meaning I could give to you." Of course foolish Agrippa had written the letter thinking she would feel how much his thoughtfulness had been given to the t ask but of course Xianthe saw only the horror of it somehow, but she did slowly see how much thought he had put into it. It made absolutely no sense at all to her but she could see it. She just couldn't ever feel complete when he wasn't there to tell her to shut up. She could feel the gentle rocking of the boat and tried to let it sooth her and the ache she was feeling in her belly. She had to smooth the crumpled letter out again over her thighs and run the back of her gloved hand over her eyes before she continued. Of course Agrippa should have known that all the thought he put into the plenitude would just be a speed bump for Xianthe’s greed when she realized he wasn't there or might not be there. He should have known her well enough to realize this sort of thing. Perhaps it was the length of separation that had made his letter to be written with happiness and joy and be received with abject tearful disappointment. The letter went on.

" I have seen to the interior myself, and you will find the couch is small but plush with goose down and the bed it is in I hand carved the trailing edge with a little wave. I hope you will forgive my hand init but it was the effort that meant the most to me, knowing you might run your hand over it while petting Sorp."

Xianthe paused and lifted her head a little, the wind tugged at a wisp of ebony curl and she ran her teeth over her lower lip. Agrippa did not do thoughtful things for her. He had never so much as given her a bit of jewelry. She was unsure, seriously unsure, how to react at all to this. He hand carved a bed for her? Had he hidden snakes inside of it?! She glanced at Sorp, who was reading over her shoulder and once more ran her fingers under the bottom edge of her eyes.

"As you are a fine woman and cannot be exposed to vulgarity on a journey such as this, even if the exposure might be to slaves. I have taken the chance to break with the designer of the Plenitude and install for you a privy toward the rear of her interior. As you can see, the entire interior is devoted to your being and you may if you wish never leave her cozy belly. I have put a curtain at the back for your own tastes and again I hope you do not find it too crude to see that I have sewn your name into it in my own rather crude script."

Xianthe laughed. This had to be a joke. Any second now He was going to jump out and demand that she strip so he could whip her for believing this nonsense. It was nonsense right? She glanced in the direction of said privy and tried to imagine what that would even be like to have Agrippa build a ship just for her, with so much attention to details, details just for her. She shifted onto her hip, her legs curled under her skirts and returned to reading.

“In a yacht such as this there is room for a small galley which I think Sorp will find more then adequate for your meals and for the meals of the six above you three to either side. You will be moving quite swiftly and I hope that you will learn to accustom yourself to the little push forward and back of the oars combined with the crest of the gunnels as they skip over the swells. During the test runs I found it immensely compelling. All of this is to say" The letter went on, "That I have missed you Xianthe and have planned for your return to her all along. The plenitude, a sleek and beautiful thing to me, has occupied her at times when I missed you and I hope that you see that in her making. I will rendezvous with you when you make the mainland and look forward to hearing of your time at court. Sincerely, the one who thinks of you as his, Agrippa."

Xianthe was silent for a long time when she finished reading, the letter it was clutched in her gloved hands. She hesitated and then pulled off her gloves so she could touch the letter with her bare fingers. She was so angry with him for not being there with her! She was angry with him for being kind so suddenly, For making her feel conflicted and grateful. Mostly though, she was angry that he was not here now, to show her what he had done for her. To hold her and kiss her and remind her her she didn't have to be everything she had been pretending to be. She needed to give in and relax. Agrippa wasn't here to be her hot bath. After awhile she rose, when she realized he wasn’t actually about to jump out and laugh at her. She wanted to go see this bed and this privy and this bit of embroidery. It was going to be all she had to sooth her on what seemed like a very long and very lonely journey. She did not have to go far to find the bed, or far to go anywhere in the interior and she found it just as he had predicted with some room for her deliberation in the privy and enough room to make herself comfortable. She found the galley well stocked and the fittings all as fine as he could afford them, she could already feel the chuffing as they had put out to sea and hear the little drum above as it beat the mark. A series of small portals gave her a view both below the water and above and she could see the stars on the horizon and the oars as they moved, soon she could feel and see that they were making great speed, miraculous speed in fact. As that was her mission.

A willing victim, Part 1

I had been waiting for months now for the treasure fleet, the ships carrying a single gift. I knew from the letter where I would find that gift. In the hold, in a cage. Locked. Locked like I was. Trapped in this great estate with nothing to comfort me. I had admitted to the Ubar that I loved Agrippa still, that I would always love Agrippa Pontus. Even while I hated him, even when I wished him dead.. even when I imagined killing him myself.. I loved him.

So when I was summoned to my father’s empty estate to meet with scribes.. I went and I went quickly. Perhaps Agrippa was giving me back my family home, my father’s legacy. Perhaps he had realized how cruel he had been to take it all away from me. Perhaps he saw that I deserved to be once more the heiress to a dynasty. Of course that’s what it was. I entered that house an Ubara, a princess of pride, the Queen of the largest military on all of Gor.
I would leave it barefoot, breathless and running for my life.

He was there, waiting for me in that house. His head shaved, his face in shadow but I know Agrippa, I know the feel of him in a room like I know the back of my own hand. Forever kid gloved, hidden, but with me. Agrippa is always with me. I did not, you might be surprised to hear, run to him. I shouted at him instead. He was foolish to come here! Dangerous.. The Ubar would see him hanged for more then his betrayal (Which really was not a betrayal) to Cos and.. for my love. The Ubar, like all men of power.. was a greedy selfish man. I may have only been an after thought to him but I was not allowed to have any other thoughts besides thoughts of him.

On the table between us Agrippa spread out the contract. The contract that made me his daughter, legally. Clever wording also made me his companion.. or his slave. It all depeneded on how you read it and which page you started with. In short.. Agrippa owned me. I have signed this contract first and it, techinically, made every contract I signed after it.. void.

No one besides the two of us understands this contract. In fact.. I do not even fully understand it. Only Agrippa does. He put it there, I think, to remind me what a farce my life was.

"I think you should get Sorp and a few of your favorite things and go down to see the Plenitude. Go read the love letter I left you in the cabin and just try not to make a spectacle of yourself. As difficult as that may be for you to do, I remind you the last time you made a spectacle of yourself you were in the hands of Nazarus malice for ahn."


"Oh!" I gasped, loud enough to be heard though my veils. That.. hurt. Because it brought back memories I did not want and.. the memory of making Agrippa cry. My hand pressed against my belly where Naz had marked me, the scar was gone now. I blinked once, trying to digest everything he was saying.. telling me to leave Cos? Could I leave Cos? Leave my pretty crown?!

"Agrippa..." I started to protest, I think? But then I stopped, I looked at those papers, I recalled the night I had signed them and my gloved hands curled into my skirts and I spoke in a very small voice. "Right now?"

"Yes right now, you don’t have to hurry but the plenitude is going to be leaving soon and I want you to read my love letter. Just be discrete about it and I am sure you will not have much trouble at all making your way down the street. "

"Yes.. Agrippa." I agreed quietly. I looked at him a moment longer and then I turned on a heel and.. left. While the men were searching the house and grounds.. I was quietly making my way back towards the estate. I hurried, nervous now after having spent so long as a caged, clipped bird. My hair was heavily curled and spilled down my back as I cut to the beach, the only way I could enter the Ubars home without being stopped.

Little did I know that what I left behind was Agrippa setting my ancestral home.. on fire. The Ubars guards knew I was at my Fathers house and when the fire broke out half the island would be there searching for me. They would find nothing, I assume.. but my boots, left behind. I would be believed dead. Cos would mourn me.

I ran down the beach towards the estate, barefoot, my hair a streaming mass of curls behind me and my heavy skirts curled into my hands so my delicate calves were exposed. I woke Sorp, quietly and instructed her in what to take with us. I was breathless and hurried, my veils were growing annoying, making it hard to catch my breath! I took all the things Lucien had given me, because I knew what they were worth. And I took very little clothing. ... I couldn't carry that much anyway, neither could sorp. I had an Ubaras wardrobe. We were quick and silent and.. after a moments pause.. I left no note, no explanation. The Ubar would just.. know. A half an hour later I was on the Plentitude. Just in time to see the fire begin. I.. shrieked! Sorp too, grasped my arm as we watched over the railing as Agrippa.. once again.. destroyed my whole world. I should have been so much more upset! I did not understand my own willingness to give up.. everything to please a man I could barely stand. I watched the fire, my gloved hands clasped over my mouth and my green eyes wide.

My life had just gone up in flames. I hated Agrippa. I loved Agrippa. I needed Agrippa.

To be cont. Waiting on a love letter!

Sliver of affection

Is a thing as full of worth if it is no longer whole? Can you love the broken bits your favorite tricycle?Why would you want too? Why not throw it away and make someone give you a new one? Some fucking loser who will do whatever you say, some little bitch man you can crush under your heel. Why love only a piece of something at all?

Today I have sent for several of the estate slaves, the ones best trained to handle.. the wants of an Ubara. One has no tongue, she is my favorite. The other is Sorp. My sweet Sorp. I am lounged upon the furs, my head propped up so I can look out at the sky over my balcony as the mute slave washes my feet. She will soften them today with lotions and oils, and then paint my toenails a soft pink color that will shine when I am naked. It is a sinful thing to do of course, paint my toenails. This is probably why I do it.

I tell Sorp all about what goes on between Lucien and I. I naively trust her. She is, after all my sister and .. my lover. I believe she has gotten over her obsession with Agrippa.

In my isolation here I am not, exactly, alone. I have a slave for every task you can imagine. One to wash my feet, another to do my hair, another who was once a free woman but is now collared companion. There is no one with half a brain who would refuse my invitation to tea and I can, technically, leave the estate as I please.

I watch the girl at my feet and let my mind drift.. back to the last time I was with Lucien. When a guard entered my room and escorted me, in my lack of robes, to the Ubar's study. It angers me that I cannot go up there alone, that I have to be escorted.

I was brought to him, my slip barely covering the petite swell of my hips, my hair was messy, freed from the pins, I wore jewels. A bracelet, a ring.. I entered that room angry with my life. I was lonely and.. I was bored. I wanted to be Ubara my whole life.. but I had tasted the excitement of being less... here I was Lucien's trophy, I was a caged butterfly. Dragonfly? But out there.. I had been vibrant, alive.. devious. I was softening for him. He drew me down into the furs with him and asked again and again until I spoke, until I confessed.

"Yes, I love you."

And he smiled. I had planned to tell him I loved him of course, I had planned to make him love me. But... but... I no longer had a plan. I no longer had anyone pulling my strings. For once I held all the cards and I couldn't see the difference in the suits. I hated Agrippa for making me this way. This was his fucking fault. It was his fault that I can only half love, that I accuse and mistrust. When Lucien kissed me softly behind my ear... I heard Agrippa laughing at me. I want to love the Ubar more, I think he deserves more then the shattered pieces I offer him

"And I, you." He whispered, I heard fear in my Ubars voice, vulnerability. He did not want to love me anymore then I wanted to love him. Yet here we were.. naked on the floor, our hands all over each other, his fingers gentle on my body, his mouth demanding my arousal. I pulled him inside of me.. my Ubar and I made love that night, The moonlight fell over our bodies and Lucien.. loved me with his body, with his words.

For the first time in my life.. I was not some mans whore. I.. was loved.

Kings.. what have we done?

Unspoken

I had been avoiding him. I had been keeping to myself mostly, the estate was the size of a small city so this was not exactly difficult. I had been spending time with the seamstress and a few of the women who were, basically, paid to pretend to like me. They were high caste women of course, hoping to land an influential man.

And there had been the headaches that could keep me in bed for hours some days. But I always joined him at meals, which were not small intimate affairs, but normally included complete strangers and heads of state. I was polite, cordial and charming. Even if I spent most of the time imagining horrible, beastly things about them. Especially the Initiate. I don't know why the holy man affected me the way he did but every time I saw him I felt.. meek, mild.. and excited. I had slid my hands between my thighs more then once imagining what it would be like to feel Lucien inside of me in one of the temples.. I wondered if the initiate would watch. The position of Ubara would censor my mouth but nothing would ever censor my mind.

How boring I would be if I ever stopped.. thinking.

So I had been avoiding the Ubar and thinking bad things about holy men. When he found me He pulled me into his lap and I laughed. Lucien was a mystery to me but .. I was still just a woman, I needed this attention. I needed to know someone cared about me. He kissed me, softly, sweetly and the night could have been great. We could have made love without.. hurting each other. We could have not told lies. I could have let him lick the tears of my frustration.

Instead.. I referred to myself as his political prisoner and he stood up, pushing me away from him. HE argued hotly, briefly.

"When the contract is up you will be relieved then, Xia?"

"When the contract is up, Lucien, I will do what is best for Cos." My heart was pounding.

He smiled, darkly. "You will do what I tell you too"

"Yes." I replied softly.

I felt his hand on my arm, pulling and then Garrick and his woman entered and some slaves. Lucien let me go and polite conversation. except for the part where I said something about someone giving someone head...

Right about then Lucien took me by the elbow and 'escorted' me to my rooms. His grip was.. not nice.

"You are hurting me." I complained, irritably.

"I know." He smiled at me.

Some men like to kiss a woman behind her ear or gently hold her hand.. My Ubar prefers to slam me against the wall so hard my eyes water as he tears the veils from my face. He would rather bruise my lips then hold me gently.

He made my knees weak.

"Tell me you don't love me Xia, tell me the truth." He demanded, my hips brushing mine. I moaned.

"You cannot make me." And just like that he let me go again, turned his back to me and washed his face. Fucking asshole. I hated that. He knew just how to make sure I knew how little I meant. There was silence between us and I walked towards him, met him in the bathroom by the sink. My fingers brushed over his bare back once he pulled off his tunic.

"You said you would raze cities for me.. did you mean it?"

"Xia.. I would scour Gor to find you if anyone took you from me." I did not meet his eyes. "I would have the head of any person who sought to cause you harm. You are my Ubara."

"I still think of Agrippa." I whispered, I was wearing perfume Agrippa had given me. Something he had let me purchase as we left the paga den in port when I was still his tina. I think Lucien knew.. The conversation began to die as I leaned back on the counter. I never really teased Lucien, his appetite was too large.. I could not flash him .. an ankle or a bare wrist and expect to get away unscathed. Tonight was no different...

I had not told him I loved him but beneath him that night, on the cool tiles of the bathroom floor.. I showed him I was his. All his.

When I woke in the morning to the display of elegant purfume bottles and fresh scents made just for me.. I began to understand a little more about the Ubar of Cos.

He wanted to keep me.

...Blur

Who am I again? Xianthe of Temos, Ubara of Cos. The coldest, cruelest woman this place has ever seen?

I suppose that is true. I suppose the people who say such things want me to be hurt. I suppose they are moronic little bitches. I am not a woman to be easily wounded and should you somehow manage to hurt me? You will be sorry, so very sorry. Your family will be sorry, your children in their cribs will be sorry. I suppose I am cold and cruel.

Despite all my.. faults, I am still a woman. I am still confused, living a life between two men. Agrippa has been on my mind lately. I wonder if he knows, what he thinks.. what he will do now. Actually no, I do not wonder what he will do, I know him better then that. He will do nothing, I am the Ubara of Cos and nothing means more to Agrippa then Cos. His loyalty is, perhaps, even stronger then my own.

There is a memory of him that sticks out the most.. a mission he was sent on where 'Xia' could not go but 'tina' could. He made sure I played my part well, I traveled as Tina, I lived and breathed as Tina. By the time we arrived in Brundisium I was Tina. He dressed me in pretty gold fabric and hung jewels on my body. It was exciting to be led, nearly naked, from the ship. I could feel men looking at me, women too. I could feel the things they wanted to do to me deep in the pit of my belly. He took me to a den to watch a .. well I am still not sure what I saw that night. It may have been a dance, it may have been a show.. but I saw a young woman violently gang raped. I knelt at Agrippas feet and watched with rapt attention. That was when I lost a little of the frigidness of a free woman and I don’t want it back. I know things many free women will never know and I pity them for it. I begged that night, in public, I begged him to do that to me too. I wanted to be the girl on the dias. Agrippa knew me better then I knew myself though and I was not placed in the hands of strangers.. I would have died if he had. But he took me, there, on his lap. I loved him shamelessly and everyone saw it. I was Tina the hot little slave of a sailor. I have always longed to know what Agrippa thought of that night, if it changed him at all like it changed me. Changed the whole world. It made me softer, it made me angrier. It is frustrating to know so much about two different worlds.

This morning when I woke I found a note from the Ubar on my pillow; several small boxes had been arranged on my dressing table. I grinned, excited by the gifts and excited that he had been in here while I slept. He would never let anyone else in here.. I was dangerous alone with men and I was equally dangerous to slaves who entered my space unbidden. Rings and necklaces and bracelets, most of them rubies. Red was the color of me. The color of blood, the color of sex. I knew I had to face him sooner or later. There were things to be said.. questions to be asked.

Emotions to be dealt with.

I'd find him quite by accident.. on the terrace by the clinic when I was searching for something to stop the incessant pounding my head. The evening began with..

"Why are you avoiding me Xia?"

And ended with..

"Do you love me, Ubara?"

To be Cont.

Game. Set..... Match?

Lucien returned last night and I was pleased to see him. He is my only companionship and I have been lonely in his absence. I was waiting for him in the estate rose gardens, I did not mean to act as happy as I did. He asked me if anything had happened while he was away and I answered him honestly.

"How should I know? No one would tell me if it did and I am unable to leave."

So he graciously gave me guards so I could where I wished. Thirty men at my disposal. Thirty fucking men. How did he even find that many men willing to deal with me? How much was he paying all of them? And was this all just a cleverly designed trick to keep me locked up in the house, under his thumb? I could understand if it was, I could admire the wiseness of that decision.

When I pressed him about the guards that's when he said the last thing I'd expected to hear....

"I'd raze cities for you, Xianthe."

My face flushed and I was left speechless as he kissed me. His arms slid around my waist and tightened there as if to punctuate his words. I closed my eyes and let the weight of that small statement settle in my belly.

Later when he lay sleeping beside me, I watched him, so calm and relaxed. My fingers brushed a dirty blond curl from his face. The stakes were being raised little by little in the game of us. My rules were being rewritten.

I was gone by the time he woke and for a hand or so afterwards I avoided him. We met for meals of course, but those were often such political affairs that I did not have to speak to him. I could feel him watching me though, his gaze was heavy on me, it slithered around me like snakes. It took all I had not to meet it.

"I'd raze cities for you, Xianthe."

I will never forget.

To be trusted

I have never been a friendly woman; I never had a best friend when I was younger. I do not think I have ever giggled in my life and the only sweetness I ever knew was the cream cakes Sorp would sneak into me when we were girls. Sorp is five years older then I and as little as I discuss her.. It is her life that made me who I am today. When I was 12 my father collared Sorp, then known as Xatrina.

She had kissed a boy in the gardens.

Xatrina had always giggled and smiled and been a happy yellow haired girl. My father, who always liked her best, had taught me a valuable lesson that day. Giggles are for slaves, pretty things are for slaves and I.. I was to be above all that. I would companion the General and live my life as a perfectly respectable and boring woman of means, a woman of great wealth.

Does this help you see why I am the way I am? I am a hateful woman, because I must be. I will betray you because it will further my own causes. I will lie to you so you never see the real me. I will not cry, unless I need your sympathy. I will not laugh, unless I am laughing at you. Do not trust me, I am a wicked woman.

Agrippa always, underneath everything, understood me, my black heart and my pink lace. He took it, tasted it, rolled it around on his tongue and smiled. He knew me, no matter what mask I wear. I hated him for it and loved him for it. Agrippa softened me for the men who would come later, by his simple presence I learned how to lure a man, how to entice him and how to pull him neatly, sweetly into my trap. And when Agrippa turned his back to me, when he trusted me implicitly and showed me how he felt.. I left him.

I loved him and still I left him. This is exactly who I am, see? I am now the companion of an Ubar, I have power beyond compare, I can have anything I want, buy anything I desire. Lucien does not tell me he loves me but I know that part of him, perhaps a dark part, needs me. I know this because.. I did not trick him into this companionship. He has gained nothing from me or my estate. Agrippa still holds the deeds and titles to everything my father owned. All he gets is me.. I am small, mouthy, rude, vindictive, vicious and unlikable. I am snobby, stuck up and I treat most people with outright disdain. Still.. here I am.. the Ubara of Cos.

I am suspicious of Lucien, there has to be a reason for this. By now he should now I am not with child and I have not hidden my dislike of his own children. I avoid them as much as I can. I am sure they want as little to do with me as I them. After all his oldest son is.. older then me.

While he has been away I have been exploring the estate, finding my place here has not been easy, I have not been well received. I had heard Callista left after some silly spat so I let myself into her room. It's a good size.. I wonder if I could make it a walk in closet.

A Gilded Cage

I have not left the house in several hands, not since the ceremony anyway. I want for nothing here and Lucien has been more then kind to me. I am, after all, the Ubara. If want new shoes.. a shoemaker comes to see me. If I want new robes and dresses, a seamstress arrives with in the hour. When I want juice a half naked slave comes running. Someone brings me my meals, someone draws me a bath.

Life is blissful inside of the estate. Why should I leave?

Eventually though, right about now actually, I grow bored with my idleness and long for more to do, more stimulation. I know that I am no longer a spy; I cannot run around in fancy costumes, change my name and play a part. I did enjoy that.. most of it anyway. I suppose I had not given it enough thought. Things have changed, and not all for the better.

Yesterday I dressed, lunched and then, while Lucien was busy dealing with the constant bullshit of being Ubar, I wanted to just go for a walk in the city. Something I did every day of my life whenever I pleased before. When I was younger I took Hector with me, later it was Agrippa and most recently I went alone. Yesterday though.. all that changed. My boots were loud on the floors as I simply tried to leave.

"My lady..." spoke a red headed man with an overgrown stash. "I was not informed that you were going anywhere."

I just looked at him, blankly, over my veils. He stared too. Finally, in frustration I sighed. "Fine, I am leaving. Now you are informed." I smirked and got one and half steps away before he chuckled and wrapped his hand around my elbow. Now I am a small woman, tiny, you might say if you saw me naked but.. I am not weak, I am not without muscle. I jerked my arm away but he took again quickly, tighter.

"I was not informed that you were leaving, My Ubara, and I cannot allow you too, alone, without word from the Ubar."

Free woman of Gor are not as free as they seem. In many ways they are less free then slaves. A slave may, if she is trusted, come and go, alone, unguarded, at her own whim. But I, the Ubara of Cos.. cannot. I inhaled deeply and held my tongue. I wanted to give the man a verbal ass kicking and I would have.. if he had not been right.

I am the Ubara.. but I am still a woman. A woman in a gilded cage. "Fine." I said quietly, which was never a good sign. He released me once I was back inside and I knew he would be keeping an eye on me. He did not need to though as I well know my place. I only needed to speak to Lucien, I was confident he would let me do as I pleased.. as I long as I told him first. While I wouldn't interrupt his day.. I would stand outside the door to his office; my arms folded and wait till he either came out.. or someone complained that I was hanging around the hall.