The Lull.

I hated my father, I hated Agrippa.. I hated the men I knew in Port kar but none of those hatful feelings can ever compare to how much I despise Lucien. I keep flashing back to the cafe, when Agrippa and I were still happy, before the rape, before he admitted how he felt.. before either of us cried.

It had all been fun and games then.

Seduce the Ubar, become the Ubara.. remove Lucien from power.

It should have been a cake walk, I knew what to do and when and yet.. time and time again I disobeyed my orders, I followed my heart and not my head. I was weak and I failed. I fell in love with his lies. I foolishly trusted him.

I lost Agrippa but never really, I always knew deep down he would come for me. Even today I know he is there waiting should I need him. Should I wish to beg him to have me again. But I won't, not now, I have too much hate.

I have too much failure.

Lucien is still the Ubar of Cos, though he has made an utter fool of himself and thus a fool of me. I bear scars from him, a word forever dug into my skin. I wanted to prove my loyalty to him, to Cos. How was I ever to know that he put himself abut the Homestone still? I hate him, I wished him dead when Sorp came to tell me what had happened. One moment I was planning the ceramony and the next.. I was smashing everything I could reach on the floor. There was nothing left for me to do. I wrote a short note, left my mark for Alyssa, took my infant daughter and fled in the night. I do not wish to ever set foot on Cos again.

I know that Lucien, when he pulls his dick out of that cesspool long enough to notice, will be angry that I took the child but, she is mine, I paid for her in ways he never could have or would have been willing. I am not a doting soft woman, I will not make a wonderful mother. But I will protect the child far better then he could. Idalia will grow up to be a phenomanol women and Lucien will never know her.

She looks like me, and only me. There is nothing of the Ubar in her features.. and nothing of Agrippa either. The world will think she is Luciens and that is fine, he has a title.. for now. I have enough money to see us though a year or more and I know, in my heart.. as black as it may be, that there will always be Agrippa should I need for anything.

For now.. I don't need anything but Idalia, my pretty crown and a case of wine. I have not yet decided where, if anywhere, we will make port.

But I do know this.. I will never feel again.