....And then I woke up

Change. It comes to me in great big bursts of confusion and heartache. It steals away my breath and laughs like church bells as it skims my emotions and takes what it pleases.

I spent less then a full week in Port Cos. Most of that time was spent watching the ships pull into the harbor and, I admit, hoping to see the flags of Cos.

The little ship Agrippa made me is a lie. Made to lull me into complacency, sooth my jittered fears and make me once more his trusting, obedient puppet.

It came .. so .. close.

Agrippa had missed it though, missed the lessons I had learned from the Ubar of Cos, from my title and position, from jealousy and hate.. had been born Love. I had mocked that, of course, this love the Ubar tried to give me because I believed in the love Agrippa gave me. It burned, white hot and was punctuated with bruises, bites and blood. When Agrippa loved me.. it hurt me. He demanded with no regard to what was actually best for me. I was such a fool. His love.. was not love. He allowed me to be hurt by others and I think now that the remorse he felt was all a sham. Once more a pretty trick to capture my affections.

The more I was with Agrippa in Port Cos the more I thought about my companionship to the Ubar and my home stone. The more I realized abut Agrippa the more I realized was wrong with he and I. The more I learned abut Port Cos and.. what went on there, the more I realized I was better then that. I deserved more then that.

Sorp was not unhappy, she found a friend in Lola whom I no longer hated. She loved Agrippa even when he hurt her too. How could I fault anyone for that? I have changed.

or perhaps I have simply stripped away the lies. Is this who I am? Calm, controlled and .. unlit. Is this the real me? Because I want to be the real me. I want someone to look at me, as I am, and love me. No more tricks and lies or games.

As I write this I am sitting on the top floor of the White Larl. I am naked, my hair pulled to one side so that it does not stick to the bloody wound on my back.. where Lucien cut me over.. and over again. Twelve cuts that will forever remind me that I am .. Loved.

Is that strange? That I would flee the bloody knife of one man onto to beg another to cut me worse? You could call it strange; you could say I have issues. I am probably mentally disturbed. But there is a subtle but vast difference between the pains each man inflicts upon me.

Agrippa hurt me to see me hurt, to please him and only him.

Lucien hurts me to teach me and afterwards he kisses away my tears. If you were me, what would you choose?

When I look over my shoulder I can see him sleeping, peaceful and quiet. The knife with my blood on it lays on the bedside table and the same crimson gore stains the white furs. The apology for my betrayal has been bled from my body. My bruises have been soothed and my heart sewn with clumsy stitches. I watch him breath, so trusting.. when I do not deserve his trust.

I told him everything last night. Except the contract. I do not know what to do with that yet, my contract to Agrippa. I never read it all so I do not understand it all. It is not likely to matter either. I know Agrippa will not come for me and.. I do not want him too.

I left Agrippa with a bigger mystery then me. I took Lola with me.

She was my payment for passage back to Cos upon a small merchant ship. I wouldn't subject Sorp to being caged for the journey and Lola annoyed me anyway. The last I saw her she was chained naked to the mast without a ribbon in sight. With any luck shes been sold by now to a farmer and will live out her days picking fucking radishes. She will be forgotten, as will, I .. or perhaps already.

I have my own forgetting to do. The lesson I learned over the past several years has been harsh and cruel and nearly killed me but I .. will not be beaten. I will never forget what I have learned, nor will I forget where my home is, where my heart is.

It is with my Ubar. Lucien Iteratus.