To be trusted

I have never been a friendly woman; I never had a best friend when I was younger. I do not think I have ever giggled in my life and the only sweetness I ever knew was the cream cakes Sorp would sneak into me when we were girls. Sorp is five years older then I and as little as I discuss her.. It is her life that made me who I am today. When I was 12 my father collared Sorp, then known as Xatrina.

She had kissed a boy in the gardens.

Xatrina had always giggled and smiled and been a happy yellow haired girl. My father, who always liked her best, had taught me a valuable lesson that day. Giggles are for slaves, pretty things are for slaves and I.. I was to be above all that. I would companion the General and live my life as a perfectly respectable and boring woman of means, a woman of great wealth.

Does this help you see why I am the way I am? I am a hateful woman, because I must be. I will betray you because it will further my own causes. I will lie to you so you never see the real me. I will not cry, unless I need your sympathy. I will not laugh, unless I am laughing at you. Do not trust me, I am a wicked woman.

Agrippa always, underneath everything, understood me, my black heart and my pink lace. He took it, tasted it, rolled it around on his tongue and smiled. He knew me, no matter what mask I wear. I hated him for it and loved him for it. Agrippa softened me for the men who would come later, by his simple presence I learned how to lure a man, how to entice him and how to pull him neatly, sweetly into my trap. And when Agrippa turned his back to me, when he trusted me implicitly and showed me how he felt.. I left him.

I loved him and still I left him. This is exactly who I am, see? I am now the companion of an Ubar, I have power beyond compare, I can have anything I want, buy anything I desire. Lucien does not tell me he loves me but I know that part of him, perhaps a dark part, needs me. I know this because.. I did not trick him into this companionship. He has gained nothing from me or my estate. Agrippa still holds the deeds and titles to everything my father owned. All he gets is me.. I am small, mouthy, rude, vindictive, vicious and unlikable. I am snobby, stuck up and I treat most people with outright disdain. Still.. here I am.. the Ubara of Cos.

I am suspicious of Lucien, there has to be a reason for this. By now he should now I am not with child and I have not hidden my dislike of his own children. I avoid them as much as I can. I am sure they want as little to do with me as I them. After all his oldest son is.. older then me.

While he has been away I have been exploring the estate, finding my place here has not been easy, I have not been well received. I had heard Callista left after some silly spat so I let myself into her room. It's a good size.. I wonder if I could make it a walk in closet.