...Blur

Who am I again? Xianthe of Temos, Ubara of Cos. The coldest, cruelest woman this place has ever seen?

I suppose that is true. I suppose the people who say such things want me to be hurt. I suppose they are moronic little bitches. I am not a woman to be easily wounded and should you somehow manage to hurt me? You will be sorry, so very sorry. Your family will be sorry, your children in their cribs will be sorry. I suppose I am cold and cruel.

Despite all my.. faults, I am still a woman. I am still confused, living a life between two men. Agrippa has been on my mind lately. I wonder if he knows, what he thinks.. what he will do now. Actually no, I do not wonder what he will do, I know him better then that. He will do nothing, I am the Ubara of Cos and nothing means more to Agrippa then Cos. His loyalty is, perhaps, even stronger then my own.

There is a memory of him that sticks out the most.. a mission he was sent on where 'Xia' could not go but 'tina' could. He made sure I played my part well, I traveled as Tina, I lived and breathed as Tina. By the time we arrived in Brundisium I was Tina. He dressed me in pretty gold fabric and hung jewels on my body. It was exciting to be led, nearly naked, from the ship. I could feel men looking at me, women too. I could feel the things they wanted to do to me deep in the pit of my belly. He took me to a den to watch a .. well I am still not sure what I saw that night. It may have been a dance, it may have been a show.. but I saw a young woman violently gang raped. I knelt at Agrippas feet and watched with rapt attention. That was when I lost a little of the frigidness of a free woman and I don’t want it back. I know things many free women will never know and I pity them for it. I begged that night, in public, I begged him to do that to me too. I wanted to be the girl on the dias. Agrippa knew me better then I knew myself though and I was not placed in the hands of strangers.. I would have died if he had. But he took me, there, on his lap. I loved him shamelessly and everyone saw it. I was Tina the hot little slave of a sailor. I have always longed to know what Agrippa thought of that night, if it changed him at all like it changed me. Changed the whole world. It made me softer, it made me angrier. It is frustrating to know so much about two different worlds.

This morning when I woke I found a note from the Ubar on my pillow; several small boxes had been arranged on my dressing table. I grinned, excited by the gifts and excited that he had been in here while I slept. He would never let anyone else in here.. I was dangerous alone with men and I was equally dangerous to slaves who entered my space unbidden. Rings and necklaces and bracelets, most of them rubies. Red was the color of me. The color of blood, the color of sex. I knew I had to face him sooner or later. There were things to be said.. questions to be asked.

Emotions to be dealt with.

I'd find him quite by accident.. on the terrace by the clinic when I was searching for something to stop the incessant pounding my head. The evening began with..

"Why are you avoiding me Xia?"

And ended with..

"Do you love me, Ubara?"

To be Cont.