A selfless refusal

Last night I was brought to see Lucien at the Inn. The place where he first cut me. Walking into that place made a slice of pain dance over my back and I was immediately on edge. When Lucien saw me though, his whole body relaxed, softened and he seemed to come alive. I responded to this.. I responded well.

There was some useless chatter with his cousin who dislikes me for no real reason and then a man whose name is not worthy of my ink. I was ignored, scowled at and disrespected. I felt the tension return to his body beside me and a low sound left his throat. I put my hand on his and looked up at him imploringly. I soothed his feathers.

When the two had left, Lucien and I spoke briefly and walked, slowly towards my estate.. my new estate. I tucked my hand into the crook of his arm and was so pleased to see how relaxed he was becoming when I was with him. it amused me to have that affect on a man at all. I mean.. me? Calming?

It was going to be a night of surprising myself though, both of us.

"It is not worth it Lucien, I knew it would be this way. I can handle it and I know.." I smiled at him as we walked. "I know that if I ever find myself overwhelmed.. I can count on you."

Lucien sighed. It touched me deeply that how I was treated and how comfortable I felt meant this much to him. But I hated how often he felt the need to defend me. I couldn't stand how many people, his people, his family even.. who put thier own desires ahead of his happiness.

"They are just afraid you will take me as your companion again." I said this easily because, I thought, we both had decided this was not a possibility.

"What if I did?" he spoke to me, his voice was deeper and a little bit.. dangerous.

There was silence between us and he stopped me when I did not answer. Under the light of a street lamp he took my face in his hands and kissed me softly, too sweetly. He knew how to make me so.. weak. Nothing would have been better then to be his again, to be able to freely go to him in the middle of the night. To raise our child together instead of so many miles apart and perhaps.. have more children. It made my heart flutter to think of how much I would have loved all the things I never wanted.. until now.

When his lips left mine I sighed, shakily. I knew what I had to do, there was simply... no choice for me "I would refuse you. I will not be your companion again. It is for your own good Lucien. I love you too much to be party to something that would enrage so many people."

I had closed my eyes so I did not have to see the look in his eyes as I spoke. As I rejected his hypothetical question. I felt his arms around me and then we walked again, my hand once tucked into his. Lucien had a few more things to say though.. That I was a free woman and could refuse him if I wished but that.. also he was, for all intents and purposes.. my closest male relative. There was no else in the world to speak for me and he.. was the Ubar of Cos. If Lucien choose to take me as his companion or as his ..chef I would have very little to say about it.

Sometimes I forget that underneath all of his calm honor and propriety.. he is still a Gorean man, A warrior who will have what he wants when he wants it. And I.. a Gorean woman will smile charmingly and suck it up.

I protested his ideas, I assured him that I was right, I knew best, this was for his own good. Eventually we reached my home and he.. tired of listening to me I assume.. kissed me and carried me to the bedroom. When I fell asleep that night.. it was with his hand on my belly and his reassuring whispers in my ear.

"I know best Xia."

But when I woke he was gone and I realized this.. was exactly what I had said was best. Even though.. it was breaking my heart.