The Lull.

I hated my father, I hated Agrippa.. I hated the men I knew in Port kar but none of those hatful feelings can ever compare to how much I despise Lucien. I keep flashing back to the cafe, when Agrippa and I were still happy, before the rape, before he admitted how he felt.. before either of us cried.

It had all been fun and games then.

Seduce the Ubar, become the Ubara.. remove Lucien from power.

It should have been a cake walk, I knew what to do and when and yet.. time and time again I disobeyed my orders, I followed my heart and not my head. I was weak and I failed. I fell in love with his lies. I foolishly trusted him.

I lost Agrippa but never really, I always knew deep down he would come for me. Even today I know he is there waiting should I need him. Should I wish to beg him to have me again. But I won't, not now, I have too much hate.

I have too much failure.

Lucien is still the Ubar of Cos, though he has made an utter fool of himself and thus a fool of me. I bear scars from him, a word forever dug into my skin. I wanted to prove my loyalty to him, to Cos. How was I ever to know that he put himself abut the Homestone still? I hate him, I wished him dead when Sorp came to tell me what had happened. One moment I was planning the ceramony and the next.. I was smashing everything I could reach on the floor. There was nothing left for me to do. I wrote a short note, left my mark for Alyssa, took my infant daughter and fled in the night. I do not wish to ever set foot on Cos again.

I know that Lucien, when he pulls his dick out of that cesspool long enough to notice, will be angry that I took the child but, she is mine, I paid for her in ways he never could have or would have been willing. I am not a doting soft woman, I will not make a wonderful mother. But I will protect the child far better then he could. Idalia will grow up to be a phenomanol women and Lucien will never know her.

She looks like me, and only me. There is nothing of the Ubar in her features.. and nothing of Agrippa either. The world will think she is Luciens and that is fine, he has a title.. for now. I have enough money to see us though a year or more and I know, in my heart.. as black as it may be, that there will always be Agrippa should I need for anything.

For now.. I don't need anything but Idalia, my pretty crown and a case of wine. I have not yet decided where, if anywhere, we will make port.

But I do know this.. I will never feel again.

For your own good

Someone please come and make it stop for I no longer have any control. I spent the night at his estate at the urging of the physicians and the simple insistence of Lucien, the Ubar. I found him in the main reception room with a small group of citizens, mostly women, chatting away. I used to be so jealous of the women that were forever surrounding him but I have come to realize how unlike those women I am and how much the Ubar appreciates that, maybe even needs that. I do not gossip or concern myself in mundane affairs, I keep to myself save for a select group of souls I might dare to call friend.

I had expected to be put into one of the first floor guest rooms, I expected to be treated as if I were a guest. I was, instead, brought to the grand and opulent rooms I had once occupied as Ubara. Those rooms were a gilded cage and I, shamefully, missed them. My tiara was still there, sitting on plush velvet square. The greater pieces I had once worn at important events and affairs of state, were locked away a floor above me.. but the tiara was left out for me to see. To remind me of all I have lost.

The next evening, still in those room, the physicians in and out all day, Lucien came to me. He looked tired and in need of something soft and undemanding. I was happy to sit with him among the fluffy furs and pillows of the balcony under the setting sun. I was grinning when he pulled my bare legs into his lap and ran his hand along them. He said we had to talk and I stiffened a little.

I... did not want to talk.

He handed me a tightly curled paper but I refused it.. I recognized it at once, our contract. I did not need to look at it, I knew it by heart.

"I want a new contract Xianthe. I want you to be my companion again." He quietly demanded.

".. No." I replied.

It was not so simple and he does not understand. I cannot make him see it either. I will not be the catalyst of his heartache. There are so many people in his life who dislike me. Mostly because they do not understand what I did for Cos, what I gave for Cos and.. what I lost for Cos. I wear scars on my body for Cos and.. for my Ubar. Tonight.. I would collect a new scar, on my heart.

And too, I would leave a scar on his.

I do not think another woman has ever so foolishly refused the Ubar. He is handsome and charming..if he were a fisherman there would be women falling at his feet to clean his nastiest fish. But I refused him.. because I love him.

There is no where I want to be more then here in his arms, in his bed, in his life. There is nothing I want more then to know I can climb a set of stairs to find him, or simply knock on the door to his study. I would be sickeningly happy to be that hostess he always wanted me to be, the role I refused to adopt.

But I refused him and I saw the break, the disconnect in his eyes. He shut down on me, severed the ties that bind his heart to mine. I.. died a little. I begged him to tell me more.. tell me why it would be worth the hassle to companion me. Tell me, Lucien.. why would you do that? Why me? Did he not see the danger such a choice created?

He had no answer for me, I had already.. lost him. I begged him to stay with me that night, to hold me close and let me sleep in the circle of him just one more time.

I knew tomorrow.. I'd have to leave and never look back.

Tomorrow.. I had to lose everything.

Because I loved him.

A selfless refusal

Last night I was brought to see Lucien at the Inn. The place where he first cut me. Walking into that place made a slice of pain dance over my back and I was immediately on edge. When Lucien saw me though, his whole body relaxed, softened and he seemed to come alive. I responded to this.. I responded well.

There was some useless chatter with his cousin who dislikes me for no real reason and then a man whose name is not worthy of my ink. I was ignored, scowled at and disrespected. I felt the tension return to his body beside me and a low sound left his throat. I put my hand on his and looked up at him imploringly. I soothed his feathers.

When the two had left, Lucien and I spoke briefly and walked, slowly towards my estate.. my new estate. I tucked my hand into the crook of his arm and was so pleased to see how relaxed he was becoming when I was with him. it amused me to have that affect on a man at all. I mean.. me? Calming?

It was going to be a night of surprising myself though, both of us.

"It is not worth it Lucien, I knew it would be this way. I can handle it and I know.." I smiled at him as we walked. "I know that if I ever find myself overwhelmed.. I can count on you."

Lucien sighed. It touched me deeply that how I was treated and how comfortable I felt meant this much to him. But I hated how often he felt the need to defend me. I couldn't stand how many people, his people, his family even.. who put thier own desires ahead of his happiness.

"They are just afraid you will take me as your companion again." I said this easily because, I thought, we both had decided this was not a possibility.

"What if I did?" he spoke to me, his voice was deeper and a little bit.. dangerous.

There was silence between us and he stopped me when I did not answer. Under the light of a street lamp he took my face in his hands and kissed me softly, too sweetly. He knew how to make me so.. weak. Nothing would have been better then to be his again, to be able to freely go to him in the middle of the night. To raise our child together instead of so many miles apart and perhaps.. have more children. It made my heart flutter to think of how much I would have loved all the things I never wanted.. until now.

When his lips left mine I sighed, shakily. I knew what I had to do, there was simply... no choice for me "I would refuse you. I will not be your companion again. It is for your own good Lucien. I love you too much to be party to something that would enrage so many people."

I had closed my eyes so I did not have to see the look in his eyes as I spoke. As I rejected his hypothetical question. I felt his arms around me and then we walked again, my hand once tucked into his. Lucien had a few more things to say though.. That I was a free woman and could refuse him if I wished but that.. also he was, for all intents and purposes.. my closest male relative. There was no else in the world to speak for me and he.. was the Ubar of Cos. If Lucien choose to take me as his companion or as his ..chef I would have very little to say about it.

Sometimes I forget that underneath all of his calm honor and propriety.. he is still a Gorean man, A warrior who will have what he wants when he wants it. And I.. a Gorean woman will smile charmingly and suck it up.

I protested his ideas, I assured him that I was right, I knew best, this was for his own good. Eventually we reached my home and he.. tired of listening to me I assume.. kissed me and carried me to the bedroom. When I fell asleep that night.. it was with his hand on my belly and his reassuring whispers in my ear.

"I know best Xia."

But when I woke he was gone and I realized this.. was exactly what I had said was best. Even though.. it was breaking my heart.

Pale Moonlight

What do you want
from me.
My blood? Will it sooth your pain?
My tears? Do they cool your fire?
My pretty lies? Do you believe them?
Do you believe me?
Believe
in
me?

Let me take your hand, my love
Let me dance in your heart.
Let me fill up your soul
..until I bubble from your lips.

What can I give
to you?
What will make it all go away?
What will calm your fears?
What will erase the hurt?
Can I even do it?
Am
I
Worthy?

Let me be your moonlight
Let me be your comfort
Let me be the one who has all the keys
To doors that only I can see.

All I have is me and my
apologies.
All I have is me and the
life inside of me.
All I have is all I can give
to you.

So shut up now, baby
....dance with me.

~mine

Burning

I read Lucien's journal. Don't act so shocked, it is the least of the things I have done to him. I had a good reason, I needed to know what was going on his head, I needed to understand Lucien's inner turmoil so I could better calm it. I thought I was doing the right thing, I thought it would give me some insight into the man I have given myself too.

And I have given myself to him, I am his more then a slave could be his. You might not understand, and that's all right, I do not need your understanding. I am marked, like a slave, I wear a collar on my heart, like a slave, I obey him without questions, like a slave. This should please all the bitches who kept gossiping about what a slut I acted like. But.. more then all of that.. I am also free, I cannot bask and wallow at his feet... he demands more strength from me. He demands everything of me that I have and everything I can be. I will give it all to him. My body beneath his and my presence at his side, on my feet. I will speak my mind, all of it and loudly.. until the pressure of his hand on my arms directs me to defer to him, right or wrong.

That said.. I wish I had not read those pages. I wish I had not read that fucking whores name over and over again. I wish I had no idea he dared to compare me to her. That dirty little Karian coward. I never met her, I know her only by what Lucien told me, what Agrippa mentioned in passing. I would be pleased see her dead and beneath my feet.

And there was more, other names, meaningless things.. a notation about Lorelei that ensured she would never be near me as a physician again. Slaves I cared nothing about, dead women I cared even less for. My hands were trembling as I read those pages, tears streamed down my face. It was the first time that I felt the presence of the child inside of me and my hand fell to cover my belly. Fucking Lucien, Fucking stupid women. Why should I be the one to bear it all for them? Why should I be the object he cuts into it? Why am I bleeding for women who are not worth the salt in my tears?!

I tore the pages from his book and threw them angrily, thoughtlessly into the fire so no one could ever read that again, so I could burn it all away, so it could not be real. I dropped the book on the ground, the missing pages burning slowly and I fled.

I wanted to run away but.. I was no longer allowed that freedom. I would not be allowed to leave, not even for a walk in the forest. My only options were the balconies around the lodge. When Lucien woke in the morning I would not be her there.. the journal would be forgotten by the fire and me?

I'd be on the balcony, collapsed in a pile of satin pillows.. sound asleep with tear tracks on my cheeks.