Sliver of affection

Is a thing as full of worth if it is no longer whole? Can you love the broken bits your favorite tricycle?Why would you want too? Why not throw it away and make someone give you a new one? Some fucking loser who will do whatever you say, some little bitch man you can crush under your heel. Why love only a piece of something at all?

Today I have sent for several of the estate slaves, the ones best trained to handle.. the wants of an Ubara. One has no tongue, she is my favorite. The other is Sorp. My sweet Sorp. I am lounged upon the furs, my head propped up so I can look out at the sky over my balcony as the mute slave washes my feet. She will soften them today with lotions and oils, and then paint my toenails a soft pink color that will shine when I am naked. It is a sinful thing to do of course, paint my toenails. This is probably why I do it.

I tell Sorp all about what goes on between Lucien and I. I naively trust her. She is, after all my sister and .. my lover. I believe she has gotten over her obsession with Agrippa.

In my isolation here I am not, exactly, alone. I have a slave for every task you can imagine. One to wash my feet, another to do my hair, another who was once a free woman but is now collared companion. There is no one with half a brain who would refuse my invitation to tea and I can, technically, leave the estate as I please.

I watch the girl at my feet and let my mind drift.. back to the last time I was with Lucien. When a guard entered my room and escorted me, in my lack of robes, to the Ubar's study. It angers me that I cannot go up there alone, that I have to be escorted.

I was brought to him, my slip barely covering the petite swell of my hips, my hair was messy, freed from the pins, I wore jewels. A bracelet, a ring.. I entered that room angry with my life. I was lonely and.. I was bored. I wanted to be Ubara my whole life.. but I had tasted the excitement of being less... here I was Lucien's trophy, I was a caged butterfly. Dragonfly? But out there.. I had been vibrant, alive.. devious. I was softening for him. He drew me down into the furs with him and asked again and again until I spoke, until I confessed.

"Yes, I love you."

And he smiled. I had planned to tell him I loved him of course, I had planned to make him love me. But... but... I no longer had a plan. I no longer had anyone pulling my strings. For once I held all the cards and I couldn't see the difference in the suits. I hated Agrippa for making me this way. This was his fucking fault. It was his fault that I can only half love, that I accuse and mistrust. When Lucien kissed me softly behind my ear... I heard Agrippa laughing at me. I want to love the Ubar more, I think he deserves more then the shattered pieces I offer him

"And I, you." He whispered, I heard fear in my Ubars voice, vulnerability. He did not want to love me anymore then I wanted to love him. Yet here we were.. naked on the floor, our hands all over each other, his fingers gentle on my body, his mouth demanding my arousal. I pulled him inside of me.. my Ubar and I made love that night, The moonlight fell over our bodies and Lucien.. loved me with his body, with his words.

For the first time in my life.. I was not some mans whore. I.. was loved.

Kings.. what have we done?