Burning

I read Lucien's journal. Don't act so shocked, it is the least of the things I have done to him. I had a good reason, I needed to know what was going on his head, I needed to understand Lucien's inner turmoil so I could better calm it. I thought I was doing the right thing, I thought it would give me some insight into the man I have given myself too.

And I have given myself to him, I am his more then a slave could be his. You might not understand, and that's all right, I do not need your understanding. I am marked, like a slave, I wear a collar on my heart, like a slave, I obey him without questions, like a slave. This should please all the bitches who kept gossiping about what a slut I acted like. But.. more then all of that.. I am also free, I cannot bask and wallow at his feet... he demands more strength from me. He demands everything of me that I have and everything I can be. I will give it all to him. My body beneath his and my presence at his side, on my feet. I will speak my mind, all of it and loudly.. until the pressure of his hand on my arms directs me to defer to him, right or wrong.

That said.. I wish I had not read those pages. I wish I had not read that fucking whores name over and over again. I wish I had no idea he dared to compare me to her. That dirty little Karian coward. I never met her, I know her only by what Lucien told me, what Agrippa mentioned in passing. I would be pleased see her dead and beneath my feet.

And there was more, other names, meaningless things.. a notation about Lorelei that ensured she would never be near me as a physician again. Slaves I cared nothing about, dead women I cared even less for. My hands were trembling as I read those pages, tears streamed down my face. It was the first time that I felt the presence of the child inside of me and my hand fell to cover my belly. Fucking Lucien, Fucking stupid women. Why should I be the one to bear it all for them? Why should I be the object he cuts into it? Why am I bleeding for women who are not worth the salt in my tears?!

I tore the pages from his book and threw them angrily, thoughtlessly into the fire so no one could ever read that again, so I could burn it all away, so it could not be real. I dropped the book on the ground, the missing pages burning slowly and I fled.

I wanted to run away but.. I was no longer allowed that freedom. I would not be allowed to leave, not even for a walk in the forest. My only options were the balconies around the lodge. When Lucien woke in the morning I would not be her there.. the journal would be forgotten by the fire and me?

I'd be on the balcony, collapsed in a pile of satin pillows.. sound asleep with tear tracks on my cheeks.