Tucked away..

It has been only a few months now that I have been back in the folds of Lucien's cloak. I would tell you where we are but..I forget. In the haze of the life we are building together I cannot recall times and dates and places. Only this.. feeling inside of me. With Lucien I feel like a student, learning all my lessons all over again, learning them better, deeper.. and harder.

I will not be allowed to forget my transgression.

Most days he leaves me early to hunt and do whatever it is men do in the woods with thier weapons and an excess of beer. Some days he stays with me, lounging in bed for hours, his hand gentle on my belly, reassuring me that things will be all right, that I do not have to worry because Lucien will handle everything.

I am kept, cherished, trapped. I wouldn't have it any other way.

My favorite days though... are the days he makes a kill. The days he comes back to me in the night with wild shiny eyes and blood on his tunic. When he strides into the room with such heavy footfalls that I grow wary and tense. My fear only feeds his desire to remind me.. I deserve this. I long for it. His fist in my hair, my back pressed to the wall, his breath hot against the shell of my ear as he hisses terrible, wonderful things to me. His hand pressed between my thighs, cupping my cunt like he owns it, like he owns me. And he does own me, doesn't he? To think about makes the scar on my back burn and illicit moans escape my lips. His fingers grow wet between my thighs and his mouth finds my throat, teeth biting, hurting.. licking, sucking.

He hurts me in the most delicious ways. He makes me cry and then kisses away my salty tears because they belong to him. He tastes my blood because it too, is his. When he bruises me he rubs salve there later. He takes care of me.. brutally.

It scares me a little I must admit, knowing the extent of his jealousy. It thrills me, it makes my hips rock harder on his hand to think about it.. but it is frightening too. Lucien is a ... possessive man. Not at all like Agrippa was. Where Agrippa often enjoyed knowing I was with another man.. Lucien would be enraged to know another man touched what he considers his own.

He is rough with my body, naked and hot and sweaty under his, his hands are everywhere all at once and my sense can hardly keep up. I grow confused by his need to have me, all of me, all at once, in his hands and I whimper. He silences me with his mouth on my own, his teeth cutting into my lip. Another mark. When he enters me it is harsh and ....divine. He uses me like he must, like an animal.. until he is spent and his breath is heavy. He often leaves me begging for more.

He smiles though, brushes the hair form my eyes and begins to touch me again.. gently now. Fingers brushing my cheek, my arm.. the subtle curve of my belly where his child grows. He smiles and I smile back.

"I love you, Lucien."

Atonement

Guards. How many times had I argued with a man over guards? With my father, with Agrippa, with Lucien. Two, ten, forty. I despised being treated like a child, being considered helpless and weak.

Trust. How many times had I betrayed someone’s trust? Sorp, Agrippa, Lucien, Lola.. I defied trust. If you looked up suspicious in the library they would give you my address.

Trust and guards. I was working at a fevered pace to gain the Ubars trust. Yes, gain.. for I realize now I had not had it before. Everything had been tainted before. I was always split in two, my heart divided, two halves of a whole. I had been poisoned, disgraced. He assigned me two guards and I thanked him. I betrayed my Ubar and my country. I imagine I am no longer in the cradle of safety I once was. There are those who would see me die for my crimes.

Lucien is one of them.

I returned last night from an absurdly short trip to the slave pens of Temos. I was allowed to go there and browse, I even choose one.. a man with black hair, thick and shaggy, young.. strong. He had blue eyes that glittered angrily at me. He excited me.

But.

When I neared the bars to speak to him I was stopped by a strong hand on my elbow. I looked over my shoulder at Dante, the one in charge of me and he simply shook his head. Our eyes locked for a moment in a silent battle of wills.

"Why not?!" I finally demanded. "He said I could!"

"Do not be stupid, woman." he replied stiffly.

I deflated a little and glanced back at the now chuckling slave. I was foolish to think he had meant it. Lucien owed me nothing, seeing that I was happy was probably not high on his agenda. Seeing that I suffered under his thumb.. was. It is a suffering I welcome. A suffering I need.

Once home again I poured myself a glass of his wine. I had noticed how well stocked the wine caller was.. with things he drank. Lucien intended to spend a great deal of time here.. and expected me to drive him to drink, often. I stripped off my gloves, my boots and then my veils, leaving bits of me behind as I trialed though the estate he had given me. A very pretty prison I had willingly locked myself inside of. At least... I had Sorp to keep me company. I was the kind of girl that should never be left unattended for very long.

The house is amazing, I am lucky to have it and there is a new account in my name, filled with more gold then I could spend in a lifetime. I once more own the land of my father though the house.. is a pile of rubble and ash. I tried to visit but agian, Dante would not allow it. it would be some time before I was allowed to visit the ruins of my Father estate. I supposed the Ubars men were combing it first for evidence of.. things I had done.

All my things had been brought here, I was well cared for, I had everything I could need, right? So I drank his wine, I broke a law I did not agree with and drank wine meant only for men. Perhaps I heard Lucien’s boots on the terrace, perhaps I did it on purpose. Perhaps I wanted to get caught.

Lucien is.. I underestimated him. Some years ago before I left for Port Kar, I had thought him weak and led around by women. When I returned I still thought that and I used it to my advantage. I thought I was trapping him, using him. The night that Lucien told me he intended to companion me, my goal all along, I realized that I had not been trapping him at all.. He was smarter then I gave him credit for. I was not the spider after all.. I was the fly. I was .. ensnared. Still I kept a wall between us, built on pretty lies and whispered words. Again Lucien broke me down, told me he loved me when he knew and I knew that my heart was elsewhere. Had he known all along how mixed up I was? I'd like to think so, it is very romantic the idea that he loved me enough to want to try and pull me away from Agrippa and pin me to him. When Agrippa returned to Cos everything changed between Lucien and I. he was harsher with me, the nights he came to my room grew more painful for me, left me in tears that he refused to sooth.

It was one of those nights that I woke up, still crying and bereft, to three men chaining my hands behind my back and locking a dirty used collar about my throat. Like an unwanted gift I was returned to the giver. To Agrippa. Agrippa freed me immediately and we ignored it had even happened.. the house was burned, I believe to make it look like I had died and we left Cos..

it was the best thing Lucien ever did for me.

I needed to see Agrippa again, be with him again to realize where my heart belonged, to feel fully whose teeth belonged on my throat. I realize I will always be a pawn to someone; it is simply the way of the world. I am the kind of women men need to have, possess.. and use. But.. perhaps I could choose who used me? Perhaps I could choose who would keep me safest at the end of the day? My mind kept going back to the same thing. Lucien, kissing away my tears after he hurt me. And then Agrippa.. walking away and leaving me to cry alone after he did the same.

How do I define love? Devotion?

I need to feel safe. I need to know I am protected. I need someone to hold my hand in the face of my adversaries. It was easy to figure out where I belonged.

Every moment I am with Lucien I am silently asking him to punish me, make me sorry.. I want to cry for him until all the venom I put in him is gone. he whipped me last night, cut me, raged at me. The things he did to me last night left me broken and yet.. whole. I will not have the wall repaired where he struck it with the lance. I will have it covered by a special painting so then when ever I forget how dangerous my Ubar is.. I can tilt the artwork and see the evidence.. that lance was only seconds away from piercing my heart. I nearly died last night.. I do not know why he did not do it, would my death free him from the poison of me?

Blood and tears were dripping on the floor in pretty little swirl patterns, mingling with the spilled wine when Lucien noticed what I was denying...

The subtle curve of my belly.

....And then I woke up

Change. It comes to me in great big bursts of confusion and heartache. It steals away my breath and laughs like church bells as it skims my emotions and takes what it pleases.

I spent less then a full week in Port Cos. Most of that time was spent watching the ships pull into the harbor and, I admit, hoping to see the flags of Cos.

The little ship Agrippa made me is a lie. Made to lull me into complacency, sooth my jittered fears and make me once more his trusting, obedient puppet.

It came .. so .. close.

Agrippa had missed it though, missed the lessons I had learned from the Ubar of Cos, from my title and position, from jealousy and hate.. had been born Love. I had mocked that, of course, this love the Ubar tried to give me because I believed in the love Agrippa gave me. It burned, white hot and was punctuated with bruises, bites and blood. When Agrippa loved me.. it hurt me. He demanded with no regard to what was actually best for me. I was such a fool. His love.. was not love. He allowed me to be hurt by others and I think now that the remorse he felt was all a sham. Once more a pretty trick to capture my affections.

The more I was with Agrippa in Port Cos the more I thought about my companionship to the Ubar and my home stone. The more I realized abut Agrippa the more I realized was wrong with he and I. The more I learned abut Port Cos and.. what went on there, the more I realized I was better then that. I deserved more then that.

Sorp was not unhappy, she found a friend in Lola whom I no longer hated. She loved Agrippa even when he hurt her too. How could I fault anyone for that? I have changed.

or perhaps I have simply stripped away the lies. Is this who I am? Calm, controlled and .. unlit. Is this the real me? Because I want to be the real me. I want someone to look at me, as I am, and love me. No more tricks and lies or games.

As I write this I am sitting on the top floor of the White Larl. I am naked, my hair pulled to one side so that it does not stick to the bloody wound on my back.. where Lucien cut me over.. and over again. Twelve cuts that will forever remind me that I am .. Loved.

Is that strange? That I would flee the bloody knife of one man onto to beg another to cut me worse? You could call it strange; you could say I have issues. I am probably mentally disturbed. But there is a subtle but vast difference between the pains each man inflicts upon me.

Agrippa hurt me to see me hurt, to please him and only him.

Lucien hurts me to teach me and afterwards he kisses away my tears. If you were me, what would you choose?

When I look over my shoulder I can see him sleeping, peaceful and quiet. The knife with my blood on it lays on the bedside table and the same crimson gore stains the white furs. The apology for my betrayal has been bled from my body. My bruises have been soothed and my heart sewn with clumsy stitches. I watch him breath, so trusting.. when I do not deserve his trust.

I told him everything last night. Except the contract. I do not know what to do with that yet, my contract to Agrippa. I never read it all so I do not understand it all. It is not likely to matter either. I know Agrippa will not come for me and.. I do not want him too.

I left Agrippa with a bigger mystery then me. I took Lola with me.

She was my payment for passage back to Cos upon a small merchant ship. I wouldn't subject Sorp to being caged for the journey and Lola annoyed me anyway. The last I saw her she was chained naked to the mast without a ribbon in sight. With any luck shes been sold by now to a farmer and will live out her days picking fucking radishes. She will be forgotten, as will, I .. or perhaps already.

I have my own forgetting to do. The lesson I learned over the past several years has been harsh and cruel and nearly killed me but I .. will not be beaten. I will never forget what I have learned, nor will I forget where my home is, where my heart is.

It is with my Ubar. Lucien Iteratus.

A willing victim, part 2

I do not know what I expected from the letter I found last night. Did I really expect a love letter? Flowery words of undying devotion and worship? No.. maybe. When I first began to read it I barely got past the first paragraph before I threw it on the ground and stormed to the deck. I meant to leave, I meant to scream. But Sorp chashed me there, forcing the letter back into my hands.

"Finish it!" She insisted. And I did. I read the letter all the way though and then read it again.

"I have missed you Xianthe and have planned for your return to me all along. The Plenitude, a sleek and beautiful thing to me, has occupied me at times when I missed you and I hope that you see that in her making. I will rendezvous with you when you make the mainland and look forward to hearing of your time at court. Sincerely, the one who thinks of you as his, Agrippa."

It was the above line that I would recall the most. It was burned, brightly, into my mind. There was so many memories between Agrippa and I. There were several pivitol moments.. His hand on my belly at the beach. The night he forced me to sign the Contract and this letter. That last paragraph.

Later, while I lay on that small cozy couch, I ran my hands over the carvings, my fingers pressed into the small grooves and my eyes closed. I wanted to think of him that way, sweating, intense, concentrated on creating something.. just for me.

I wished I had thrown my arms around him at the estate when I saw him. I wished a hundred times that I had been kinder to him when he came to the Ubars dinner. That I had told him I loved him when he took me over the table.. in the palace. I wished I had loved him.. better.

But don't worry, I'll get over that!

The Plenitude

On the plenitude Xianthe was bound to be disappointed by the love letter he Agrippa had left. He wrote steadily in conservative hand.

"My dear Xianthe, if you are reading this it means you have made it safely to the Plentitude. The yacht was built specifically for this trip by men who I employed some time ago after your disappearance from Port Kar. It seemed the wisest thing to do considering at the time I thought I might end up making many trips across the channel. On board I have put six lean thralls which you must keep well fed and well attended during the journey. They will be the oars men and they will be lead by one Tiller man until you can reach the mainland. They are chained at the oar benches along side this cabin and you should take care that they remain that way. See to their water well, and be kind for they were not always slave at the oars."


Xianthe was incensed, of course, instructions?! Thralls? She was to be alone on this boat? She screamed! She balled up that letter and threw it on the ground before she stormed to the deck with every intention of getting off the wretched ship and running back to: the Ubar! "Agrippa!" she shrieked as she reached the top, her hand clenched in the folds of her skirt. Sorp had seen there was more and brought the letter back to her, smoothing it over her thigh and insisting she keep reading.

"The tiller man is a man who I have known and known of and you must be kind to him as well though he is not slave. He has lived ten each of our lifetimes and can confess to more riches then any man should but never will. I chose these men specifically for this voyage as I can not be on the Plentitude with you. The Plenitude is a race built sloop, equipped with masts and as many as four sail when sailing wing to wing. Her hull has been polished and coated in the glazed shell of abalone and her enamel sanded by hand to the finest degree.”

Xianthe was swearing as she read, tears on her cheeks! As she read she sank slowly to sit on the deck in a mountain of my own dress and petticoats. Ridiculously upset for the most selfish reasons. The letter went on.

"Plenitude means the ample amount or quantity of abundance; it is the condition of being full and complete. When I named her on that cool evening looking out at the sunset I gave her the name which gives her the finest meaning I could give to you." Of course foolish Agrippa had written the letter thinking she would feel how much his thoughtfulness had been given to the t ask but of course Xianthe saw only the horror of it somehow, but she did slowly see how much thought he had put into it. It made absolutely no sense at all to her but she could see it. She just couldn't ever feel complete when he wasn't there to tell her to shut up. She could feel the gentle rocking of the boat and tried to let it sooth her and the ache she was feeling in her belly. She had to smooth the crumpled letter out again over her thighs and run the back of her gloved hand over her eyes before she continued. Of course Agrippa should have known that all the thought he put into the plenitude would just be a speed bump for Xianthe’s greed when she realized he wasn't there or might not be there. He should have known her well enough to realize this sort of thing. Perhaps it was the length of separation that had made his letter to be written with happiness and joy and be received with abject tearful disappointment. The letter went on.

" I have seen to the interior myself, and you will find the couch is small but plush with goose down and the bed it is in I hand carved the trailing edge with a little wave. I hope you will forgive my hand init but it was the effort that meant the most to me, knowing you might run your hand over it while petting Sorp."

Xianthe paused and lifted her head a little, the wind tugged at a wisp of ebony curl and she ran her teeth over her lower lip. Agrippa did not do thoughtful things for her. He had never so much as given her a bit of jewelry. She was unsure, seriously unsure, how to react at all to this. He hand carved a bed for her? Had he hidden snakes inside of it?! She glanced at Sorp, who was reading over her shoulder and once more ran her fingers under the bottom edge of her eyes.

"As you are a fine woman and cannot be exposed to vulgarity on a journey such as this, even if the exposure might be to slaves. I have taken the chance to break with the designer of the Plenitude and install for you a privy toward the rear of her interior. As you can see, the entire interior is devoted to your being and you may if you wish never leave her cozy belly. I have put a curtain at the back for your own tastes and again I hope you do not find it too crude to see that I have sewn your name into it in my own rather crude script."

Xianthe laughed. This had to be a joke. Any second now He was going to jump out and demand that she strip so he could whip her for believing this nonsense. It was nonsense right? She glanced in the direction of said privy and tried to imagine what that would even be like to have Agrippa build a ship just for her, with so much attention to details, details just for her. She shifted onto her hip, her legs curled under her skirts and returned to reading.

“In a yacht such as this there is room for a small galley which I think Sorp will find more then adequate for your meals and for the meals of the six above you three to either side. You will be moving quite swiftly and I hope that you will learn to accustom yourself to the little push forward and back of the oars combined with the crest of the gunnels as they skip over the swells. During the test runs I found it immensely compelling. All of this is to say" The letter went on, "That I have missed you Xianthe and have planned for your return to her all along. The plenitude, a sleek and beautiful thing to me, has occupied her at times when I missed you and I hope that you see that in her making. I will rendezvous with you when you make the mainland and look forward to hearing of your time at court. Sincerely, the one who thinks of you as his, Agrippa."

Xianthe was silent for a long time when she finished reading, the letter it was clutched in her gloved hands. She hesitated and then pulled off her gloves so she could touch the letter with her bare fingers. She was so angry with him for not being there with her! She was angry with him for being kind so suddenly, For making her feel conflicted and grateful. Mostly though, she was angry that he was not here now, to show her what he had done for her. To hold her and kiss her and remind her her she didn't have to be everything she had been pretending to be. She needed to give in and relax. Agrippa wasn't here to be her hot bath. After awhile she rose, when she realized he wasn’t actually about to jump out and laugh at her. She wanted to go see this bed and this privy and this bit of embroidery. It was going to be all she had to sooth her on what seemed like a very long and very lonely journey. She did not have to go far to find the bed, or far to go anywhere in the interior and she found it just as he had predicted with some room for her deliberation in the privy and enough room to make herself comfortable. She found the galley well stocked and the fittings all as fine as he could afford them, she could already feel the chuffing as they had put out to sea and hear the little drum above as it beat the mark. A series of small portals gave her a view both below the water and above and she could see the stars on the horizon and the oars as they moved, soon she could feel and see that they were making great speed, miraculous speed in fact. As that was her mission.

A willing victim, Part 1

I had been waiting for months now for the treasure fleet, the ships carrying a single gift. I knew from the letter where I would find that gift. In the hold, in a cage. Locked. Locked like I was. Trapped in this great estate with nothing to comfort me. I had admitted to the Ubar that I loved Agrippa still, that I would always love Agrippa Pontus. Even while I hated him, even when I wished him dead.. even when I imagined killing him myself.. I loved him.

So when I was summoned to my father’s empty estate to meet with scribes.. I went and I went quickly. Perhaps Agrippa was giving me back my family home, my father’s legacy. Perhaps he had realized how cruel he had been to take it all away from me. Perhaps he saw that I deserved to be once more the heiress to a dynasty. Of course that’s what it was. I entered that house an Ubara, a princess of pride, the Queen of the largest military on all of Gor.
I would leave it barefoot, breathless and running for my life.

He was there, waiting for me in that house. His head shaved, his face in shadow but I know Agrippa, I know the feel of him in a room like I know the back of my own hand. Forever kid gloved, hidden, but with me. Agrippa is always with me. I did not, you might be surprised to hear, run to him. I shouted at him instead. He was foolish to come here! Dangerous.. The Ubar would see him hanged for more then his betrayal (Which really was not a betrayal) to Cos and.. for my love. The Ubar, like all men of power.. was a greedy selfish man. I may have only been an after thought to him but I was not allowed to have any other thoughts besides thoughts of him.

On the table between us Agrippa spread out the contract. The contract that made me his daughter, legally. Clever wording also made me his companion.. or his slave. It all depeneded on how you read it and which page you started with. In short.. Agrippa owned me. I have signed this contract first and it, techinically, made every contract I signed after it.. void.

No one besides the two of us understands this contract. In fact.. I do not even fully understand it. Only Agrippa does. He put it there, I think, to remind me what a farce my life was.

"I think you should get Sorp and a few of your favorite things and go down to see the Plenitude. Go read the love letter I left you in the cabin and just try not to make a spectacle of yourself. As difficult as that may be for you to do, I remind you the last time you made a spectacle of yourself you were in the hands of Nazarus malice for ahn."


"Oh!" I gasped, loud enough to be heard though my veils. That.. hurt. Because it brought back memories I did not want and.. the memory of making Agrippa cry. My hand pressed against my belly where Naz had marked me, the scar was gone now. I blinked once, trying to digest everything he was saying.. telling me to leave Cos? Could I leave Cos? Leave my pretty crown?!

"Agrippa..." I started to protest, I think? But then I stopped, I looked at those papers, I recalled the night I had signed them and my gloved hands curled into my skirts and I spoke in a very small voice. "Right now?"

"Yes right now, you don’t have to hurry but the plenitude is going to be leaving soon and I want you to read my love letter. Just be discrete about it and I am sure you will not have much trouble at all making your way down the street. "

"Yes.. Agrippa." I agreed quietly. I looked at him a moment longer and then I turned on a heel and.. left. While the men were searching the house and grounds.. I was quietly making my way back towards the estate. I hurried, nervous now after having spent so long as a caged, clipped bird. My hair was heavily curled and spilled down my back as I cut to the beach, the only way I could enter the Ubars home without being stopped.

Little did I know that what I left behind was Agrippa setting my ancestral home.. on fire. The Ubars guards knew I was at my Fathers house and when the fire broke out half the island would be there searching for me. They would find nothing, I assume.. but my boots, left behind. I would be believed dead. Cos would mourn me.

I ran down the beach towards the estate, barefoot, my hair a streaming mass of curls behind me and my heavy skirts curled into my hands so my delicate calves were exposed. I woke Sorp, quietly and instructed her in what to take with us. I was breathless and hurried, my veils were growing annoying, making it hard to catch my breath! I took all the things Lucien had given me, because I knew what they were worth. And I took very little clothing. ... I couldn't carry that much anyway, neither could sorp. I had an Ubaras wardrobe. We were quick and silent and.. after a moments pause.. I left no note, no explanation. The Ubar would just.. know. A half an hour later I was on the Plentitude. Just in time to see the fire begin. I.. shrieked! Sorp too, grasped my arm as we watched over the railing as Agrippa.. once again.. destroyed my whole world. I should have been so much more upset! I did not understand my own willingness to give up.. everything to please a man I could barely stand. I watched the fire, my gloved hands clasped over my mouth and my green eyes wide.

My life had just gone up in flames. I hated Agrippa. I loved Agrippa. I needed Agrippa.

To be cont. Waiting on a love letter!